Look at me. Look at the Queen.
I was never a fan until I realised how much we have in common.
Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.
I know she's not a single parent, but she might as well be.
Plus the pair of us, we've stuck to our guns,
her literally, sometimes,
and flagshipped a dying breed.
Admired and despised equally.
Not for never lifting a finger.
No. For setting examples through extremity.
Whether you're a bigwig on her end or a bigwig on mine,
you've still got all your dickheads in the middle to deal with,
snip, snip, snipping at your benefits.
I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking
"What's your secret, Frank?"
I got shot of my kids yonks back,
whereas she's yet to see the back of a single one.
Fine! I've had to get out of bed on occasion to
make ends meet, whereas she,
she's done the whole thing from a chair.
Oh, and a drink for the lady.
Oh sure, there's perks. But, look at her lot.
Brian May prancing about on her roof.
Now look at my lot.
We know how to throw a proper fucking paartaay!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
'"Define love."
'That's what Ol' Big Ears said on TV.
'Not Noddy's mate, the future king of England.
'The first warning shot across 18-year-old Diana's bow that all
'might not be perfect in her princess fairytale.
'If only she'd bailed there and then, eh?
'It's a tricky concept though, love.
'I've always been a bit of a romantic, you know.
'I've got a dreamy vision of a perfect partnership.
'A love that can't be kept quiet.
'True love surely proclaims itself.'
Who are you going to be?
Hannibal Lecter.
Real, for fuck's sake.
Ronnie Biggs?
That's too tame.
Reggie Kray?
Maybe Jack the Ripper can beast my ringpiece today?
Shane!
Shane?
Shane!
Salmonella Sam will not move to that corner plot.
Fat bastard.
Does he know who you are?
He will do, when he's force-fed his own burgers.
Gi' us five.
Hurry up.
The helium's leaked from someone's balloon.
Yeah, shagging like a serial killer often ruins the moment.
You leave me no option.
Eeny, meeny, miny...
..moe.
Hey, your girlfriend's outside.
She's a mate.
I wouldn't have you down as nervous with the ladies.
Little stud muffin, our Ches. Bangs plenty of birds.
We're not even compatible.
Oooh, "compatible!"
What, she's not, er, blonde and stupid?
And I'm not a lanky brainbox.
One-stop-shop's only a good plan if they ever get served.
Here. For your strength.
What's that you keep necking?
There are certain questions you should never ask a lady.
Don't worry, I'll treat you to that.
Oh, thanks.
£4.
Are you going to Shane's festival?
I'll be selling scran on a stall. Are you?
It depends. Letitia and Aiden are. I was go...
What?
Check the sell-by.
It was the last day.
One day over.
A refund won't clear up the thrush it's given me.
How's my cider gi...?
Wait there.
Mum.
We were low anyway.
You coming?
Mary Mae?
Huh.
The festival gives him something to look forward to.
Money well spent if it takes his mind off his dad for a night.
Hard to get excited when you've done the legendary gigs.
You know, Pistols in Free Trade Hall,
Spike Island, Woodstock...
Two Malibus, Mimi.
Scouse Mouse absolutely smashed it at Creamfields.
Bet he did, at a hundred grand a gig.
But he's doing this one for his exes. Northern lad, giving a bit back...
DJs are fucking fraudsters,
robbing a living playing other people's records.
No wonder he wears a mask.
How many?
2,000 tees, 1,000 hoodies.
You do realise not every single punter buys a souvenir, Shane?
You never know, do you? And what's left, we can just stick online, can't we?
An "I was there" event.
We sold 150 more tickets this morning.
Promote it and they will come.
How's the stalking going?
You didn't ask him out?
Knew she wouldn't. Mummy wouldn't approve.
- I was going to, actually, but... - Course you were.
Can't believe I'm so embarrassed by it.
I left the playground two years ago.
Hang on a sec, how long have you known Chesney?
Almost six months.
Six months is the maximum you can stay his friend.
After that, there's no chance of youse going out together.
Is that what happened to us?
You had your chance. It's now or never.
Those magazines are full of shit.
We've got ten keys of skunk, two thousand Es,
500 trips. No crack?
Nah, nah, nah. Wrong vibe.
Three key of Charlie.
Our security won't fuck about. Everyone searched, everything confiscated.
Plenty of signs to warn them.
They buy off us.
How much to pitch a brothel tent at this festival of yours?
As much as I back legalisation,
I doubt my license will stretch that far.
So what? You're selling drugs.
Yeah, which is a lot more discrete than a tent full of half-naked
birds selling noshes for a score.
What about the police protection?
Huh?
What's she going on about?
He shags his copper, green lights all the way.
Tell me she's joking.
No hookers allowed.
She's the liaison officer.
She has to be on site, doesn't she?
It's a condition of the license.
I'm not shagging her.
Breathe it in, you worthless scum!
Right in!
Go on, you dirty bitch.
Again.
Tell me how it smells.
Like a...
Yeah...
a mucky, stinking, pig's arse.
How dirty is it?
Fuck me, yeah, yeah, it's pretty disgusting.
Louder. Louder...
It's like a dirty, grassing-slag's brown shithole...
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, my God. Oh, yeah!
Phew.
Do you ever like it... like normal sex?
What does that constitute?
I don't know. Just... regular sex?
Naked? No shouting insults, slapping?
Look, if you're after the cosy comforts of a generic girlfriend,
you might want to look elsewhere.
I don't want to look elsewhere.
Shane-a-delica's bang on track, you know.
3,000 tickets almost gone.
Listen, you know Mam and Jamie are gonna be there, yeah?
Don't worry. I can be almost invisible.
Forgive him, Father. He knows not what he does.
You swore you called it off.
I told you, she's all right.
She helped with the licensing application.
Too right she did! While they're planning a raid!
No way.
It's a festival. She knows that means drugs.
She smokes weed.
Wise up, sunshine.
What do you think that bizzie sees in you?
You wash in a stream!
It doesn't matter if he bathes in asses' milk.
Maguire. Crime family.
You don't think that rings any alarm bells?
You think I'm having anything to do with this festival,
and laying all that gear on, while you've got an odd lot
in your feather, you must be off your rocker!
So what are you saying?
You get rid.
Right now.
I don't care what she is.
You don't get to tell me what to do any more.
I noticed Ken the Dog and his pit bull sniffing round the field.
I need security.
What about Mimi and Jamie?
They're out.
How come?
I told them about us.
What?!
No more hiding, sneaking around.
Shane!
They thought you were undercover.
How stupid can you be?
What part of undercover wears a uniform
and drives a car with a flashing light?
Double bluff?
Fuck's sake.
I thought you'd be happy.
We can be normal now.
Well, obviously keep it on the low from your side of things but...
What the fuck is it with you and "normal"?
Normal sex, normal girlfriend.
Jesus.
Ugh! Fucking hanging. She makes my skin crawl.
She's really pretty, though.
That's garnish.
The only way I'd serve a plod is by slapping it at the same time.
Maybe he pretends she's a strip-a-gram?
Or that.
He must be smitten, though.
What a bell end.
What?
A mother's sixth sense kicks in around boy trouble.
Someone from college, I hope?
As if. She's mad for...
I'm here to talk, whenever you're ready.
Some sensitive soul, no doubt,
from your English class?
What's wrong with Chesney?
Some out-of-date cider didn't agree with her.
And she's convinced that every Asian shopkeeper
launders money from smuggling heroin.
Sneaky ways to get in his head and turn him on.
They're full of shit.
It's interesting.
"When a man is scared, testosterone and adrenalin increase."
It's the same as arousal.
"If a woman's there when he's frightened,
"he puts the hormone increase down to her." He fancies her.
So there you go. Just be there when he shits himself.
Crime And Punishment, one of the greatest novels of all time.
Notes are at the back.
A shortcut to pretend you've got a clue about literature.
Looks like someone could use a hand?
Feel free if you know what you're doing.
Er, I'm next!
Do you pay?
On principle.
Oi-oi-oi!
Staff only back here.
Consider it part of my trial run.
And who says we need an assistant?
If you keep going missing, they can't serve themselves.
Probationary period only.
And this? Out of bounds.
Thanks for sticking with us.
Beer's legal.
It's going to be mental. Everyone needs a drink.
No point cutting your nose off to spite your face.
Their loss.
Aaaaaaahhhhhh!
Who'd rob this dump?
Not the best of signs.
Not everyone's as hard as our Stella.
Chesney'll shit himself.
Grip you there and then on the shop floor.
Get on the floor!
Fucking do it!
No one better get hurt.
Assault with a deadly accent?
This stops you getting hurt.
May the force be with you.
I thought Ken the Dog was lifed-off for killing that plain 'un.
New evidence came to light.
I bet his security don't come cheap.
You get 'em for free if they do the drug dealing as well.
That's a liberty.
I thought that was your biggest earner?
Thanks to your dearests, what choice did I have?
No security, no festival.
Why is that out of bounds?
It's Remona's lab.
What does she need a lab for?
For when she has to concentrate.
I'm off to pray.
Ches!
Like these words aren't long enough.
What?
We just prepare doses of ready-made pills, creams.
So?
You don't need any of this.
I got a chemistry set one Christmas. It's a hobby.
Hobbies like this'll get you banged up.
She's at it, Ches.
If this gets found on your premises,
criminal assets'll take the shop.
Think about it, Chesney.
Patreesha's at the Jockey. Mind if I wear the coat?
Don't know if it'll work on Ches, but I'm getting a hard-on.
Just scare him, right?
I'm nervous.
Get in there.
Glad I pulled out of money-lending.
You know. Old women getting whacked.
I did Crime And Punishment for A-level.
You never said if you were going to the festival.
Think so.
Letitia's got VIP passes, so...
Great, I'll buy you a drink?
What about the stall?
I'll get Remona or Avril to cover me.
Is this your way of asking me out?
Might be.
Are you OK?
Mmm...
Don't fucking move! Over there!
Stop!
Shut the fuck up!
- What do you think you're doing?! - No! It's OK!
Fucking shut it!
Stop! I mean it!
- Mary Mae, just chill! - Get on the floor!
Fucking do it!!
I'm not getting on the...
Stay down! Stay there.
It's OK. I'll get you the money.
I'm on it, I'm on it, yeah?
Stay calm, everyone, just chill, yeah?
That's everything.
That's from my dad!
He wouldn't want it to cause you any danger.
I'm insured, it's OK.
Look, it's all there, just go!
Now what?
Take it!
Leg it!
Hey, oi! What do you think you're doing?!
It's OK, it's OK. They've gone.
I've got you.
I'm sorry if I've put it on you.
Just didn't want me mam fucking it up for us.
You did it for me, didn't you?
It's me lunch break.
And it's my turn to do something for you.
No, no props.
Serial killers?
No physical abuse.
Nice and steady.
Normal.
You all right?
Uh-huh.
Give us a little tweak if it helps you.
What the fu...?!
Oh, yeah!
Get fucked!
What is wrong with you?!
Let's forget it, it was a bad idea.
It was a fucking great idea till your right hook got busy!
No, I said leave it!
At least sniffing your arse won't leave a bruise, eh?
Fuck off, knobhead.
It was a joke!
Bad fucking taste.
Don't blame me for this!
Doing shit I don't want to do!
Oh, really, because y'know what?
I love a flash of Fred West's kipper
when I'm on the money shot, me, absolutely love it.
What is wrong with you?
You had to fuck about.
What? What did I do?
Us - it was all right until you messed it up
with your normal shit.
I can't do this anymore.
Who'd have thought? Biggest gig of your life just a day away...
Must be serious shit.
Six years with a psycho brass, now another mad bitch.
What does that say about me?
I look to the mother.
I can't stop fucking craving her. I'm like some baghead...
Isn't that a good thing?
No, not when it makes you feel worse after.
Dirty, worthless.
Because she's a copper?
I can live with that.
It's the shit that she says to me, does to me...
All the fucking filthy, twisted shit.
Scrapes away my self respect.
That doesn't sound healthy.
She knows the lengths you went to?
Splitting up the family?
I guess some people you'll never make happy.
You're better off out of it.
I'm not even arsed about the readies.
There was a locket from her dad and a watch from mine.
And they were using these toy thingys to disguise their voices.
They didn't go in there, mate.
An armed gang's targeting shops across East Manchester,
but this doesn't sound professional enough.
Probably a couple of desperadoes. Crackheads.
As ever.
I wouldn't hold out too much hope on the jewellery.
I'll be in touch.
See you later.
I can't believe he actually fucking shit himself!
You had the gun in his face!
What the fuck was that?!
- It was good, wasn't it? He proper shit himself. - Guns?!
Yeah, that was my idea.
Then you're an idiot.
Well, we had to make it look real to get him in the mood.
Yeah, and you had to take all his money too?
How were we meant to know he'd be such a loser?
"Oh, just take it, please. Take everything!"
Only to protect me! Well, where is it?
You'll have to give it all back.
Tell me you haven't...
Well, give me your share at least.
You let her spend it on those?
And Chesney's the loser?
I've got this.
He's getting that back.
Slow down! Let me get my dabs off first.
Where you going to say you got it?
We're going out for a drink tonight.
So it worked!
He asked me out before you two came in and fucked it all up.
Oh.
So you're going out tonight for a drink
and you're going to tell him what?
The truth.
You can't do that. It was your idea as well. We're all in this together.
We were in this together
until you came in started waving guns about, nearly gave Chesney
a heart attack, and then spent all his money on fucking trainers!
I'm telling him tonight.
Fuck!
Who the fuck wants karaoke anyway
when we've got all these DJs playing?
All the best festivals mix it up.
Different stages, tents.
Are they even going to be able to hear it?
Stop rabbitting!
Ah, you fucking...
bell end!
Canine Ken...
That slag you're shagging didn't look too happy.
Was shagging. Not that it's fuck all to do with you.
Don't be fucking smart.
You're supposed to have immunity, police protection!
You've got it to yourself, you'll smash it.
I need better odds before my boys enter the fray.
And I need security.
Good luck finding some other nugget to send his men over the top.
You're going to do your bollocks on this.
Ken!
Fuck.
If you're up to no good, I want a piece.
Somebody's jumping to conclusions.
One of us knows what this is.
Go on, then.
Mixing that with that gives the base mix for 4-methylmethcathinone
MACT? Miaow miaow on the street?
Come on!
Those police came in here, he'd lose the shop!
It's 5-methylmethcathinone oxide...
Which is?
All for me. And only me.
Shifting four molecules creates an even mellower high
that's perfectly legal.
- I'll buy all you've got after today. - No chance.
The government make something else illegal, it's my move.
Stay one step ahead.
No dealing, no murky netherworld. Just my own supply.
I hope you come in peace.
Thanks. Not on duty.
Can't we get a replacement officer?
Well, you're not content with scaring the security off,
you fucked with his head as well. Jeopardised everything.
One minute I'm being shoved under the covers,
now you're his agony aunt?
Shane's a very private man.
Divulging his pain must be a measure of how much you mean to him.
You make it sound like there's a simple solution.
There is.
You take your aromatic arsehole and get out of his life?
Like you've any idea.
Any idea what he's put on the line for you? A Maguire?
The gangster, macho, bullshit world he's from shagging a copper?!
That gets even less respect than growing a handlebar moustache
and sucking off random cocks for a tenner on Canal Street.
My favourite sister-in-law fancy joining me?
The inmates are getting restless.
Billy's had to take a petrol can off one of 'em -
thought he was going to burn the stage.
There's a mutiny brewing!
They'll all get refunds.
Come on, Shane. You get a grip.
No security, Kaz, no festival.
The police'll shut us down.
So you haven't sorted it?
Ken the Dog put the word out and naused the whole of Manchester.
Leeds? London? Come on, he can't be that influential?
Maybe if there was more time.
Right. Come on.
I want to show you something.
Breathe it in.
That's what she says with my nose stuck right up her arse.
Eew, dirty bitch.
That's what I say.
Enough.
Look how far it stretches.
Fatboy Slim started somewhere.
All those man hours. All the commerce.
All the wages that are being earned.
Not to mention the buzz that's on Chatsworth. All down to you.
I appreciate the vision, but we're fucked regardless.
It all ends here.
Do you stand by your copper?
All day.
Convinced there's no double-cross, sting operation?
She wouldn't do that.
Come on.
Whoa!
Sorry. Getting more like a scared rabbit as the night wears on.
Could be delayed shock.
Nah, I was OK before. Now I can't stop thinking about it.
Yeah, it's a big deal though - like post traumatic stress disorder.
I get dead worried now when she's late.
She's got to leave that sick bastard.
Lays one more finger on her I swear...
She's here.
Driver on the 105 got carted off by the police.
Micro camera on the step sending panty pics of schoolgirls
and grannies to his smartphone.
Present off Biddy for understanding all that he's going through.
He's going through?!
20 years on that darts team to be binned like an old flight.
Engraved. You ever get anything that spontaneous off your Kev?
Not apart from a dose...
Drink?
Yeah. Yeah.
Fuck's sake. This is hard work.
I know we said meal...
but I might need a bit of quiet.
Not that I'm pushing or anything...
Oh, no, that'd be lovely.
Cos there's something I need to tell you.
Couple more of these should sort out my Parkinson's.
Ches...
Listen, I really need to tell you...
Hello.
What?
Woof woof.
What does that do?
Ramona wolfs it down so it can't be that strong.
Says it takes the edge off.
Cheers.
Eh, Squirrel Nutkin must be bored in his woodland glade?
However many security that buys me.
Where's Ken the Dog?
Doesn't matter.
So who's doing the drugs?
Nobody.
It'll be a free for all.
As long as I've got security to cover the main gates
and crowd control, it doesn't matter.
With no drug sales you'll lose out on money, mate.
Is your bird going to be there?
That's over.
Sense at last.
But she'll be on site.
You trust her?
You fucking better!
What's the problem?
Only if we get to keep the lot.
No problem.
You need to earn some sort of drink for all the effort you've put in.
What I need is security.
You've got them.
Drink?
I'll refrain from offering a cup of tea
till you explain the dress code.
I'm really sorry.
What were you doing?!
I can't really remember.
Sorry.
I said they were mine!
Ow!
Did you shag him?
Did you tell him?
Erm... No. Yes.
I think I did.
Shit.
Nice one! No wonder he didn't shag you.
We were proper fucked.
I can't really remember... much.
So you might not have told him?
Have you still got the watch?
- Fuck's sake. - What did he say this morning?
Is he going to call the police?
I didn't see him this morning.
Text from Mum, "You're dead".
He's told her. Great!
Let's go.
He's proper going to hate me.
She's ringing.
Come on!
Avril.
Pick up!
Please, Avril.
Wait till I get my hands on her.
Don't make it worse!
She could've got herself shot!
They were toy guns!
The police? Mistakes? It happens all the time.
She knows I'm a liar, thinks I'm stupid,
don't make me a grass as well.
Sorry, Ches.
Shane warned you.
I'm here for the music!
He can't take the risk!
I want a refund!
Do one, Lillian!
Oh, shit, another text from Mum -
"You can't hide for ever."
- Well, at least he hasn't told the police. - He wouldn't.
You've got to admit, it was easy.
It's not really a viable career path though.
Just go and talk to him! At least we'd know where we stand.
I'm too embarrassed to think about it.
What time's Scouse Mouse on?
♪ Hey, big spender! ♪
At last. Bonnie and Snide.
Had a productive day?
What you doing back here?
Party of the century, get involved! Do you want a pill?
Nah, you're all right.
You're messing with my mojo!
I've fucked things up. With a boy.
Who?
Chesney.
Fuck off! You're well too fit for him!
What could you do to put him off?
I got Letitia and Aidan to rob his shop. With guns.
So? He'll forgive you. Men are easy.
Shane's been shagging a fucking pig. All you've done is armed robbery.
You'll be sweet.
Cheers, nice one.
A couple of volunteers.
I could do with it.
Here, and at the shop, till they pay every penny off.
Mary Mae not coming?
She's on the karaoke.
I'll get her.
No, no. It's OK.
She's still mad for you.
♪ On the day that you were born
♪ The angels got together
♪ And decided to create a dream come true
♪ So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair...♪
I'm sorry.
♪ And I get sick when I'm around
♪ I can't stand to be around
♪ I hate everything about you
♪ Everything about you! ♪
What time's Scouse Mouse on?
Not long.
Are we getting it?
We're doing good.
I tell you what, this gaff's run sweet as a nut tonight.
Whoa, whoa. Feds, three o'clock.
Told you to stay offside!
Done good. Well done.
Appreciate it.
I knew you would.
Haven't you got a job to do?
It's all going well. Everyone happy.
Everything self-contained.
Discretion applied
and a blind eye turned regarding certain, expected,
festival behaviour.
Ugh!
I'm sorry.
Me too.
Don't be scared.
I can't help it.
Trust me.
'Give it up for Scouse Mouse!'
How did you know?
Know what?
That it would be that good?
I wish I could claim the credit.
So honest and pure.
Thank you.
'If it's right, love...
'you nurture each other's hopes and encourage one another's ambitions.
'You're always there to pick up your true love when he or she stumbles.
'The vast majority fall short of those youthful dreams and we won't
'get to play for United, or win that Oscar, have a number one song.
'But that's all right, because dreams shift and fade.
'Our happiness is defined in more wholesome ways.'
Master of all he surveys.
Thanks to you.
Do you reckon Jamie would sniff my arse?
Be a fool not to.
Glastonbury, watch out.
'It's built around family and old friends and loyalty.
'And if we're lucky, that true love stays by our side,
'becomes our ballast,
'and the roots of our shared histories intertwine
'and grow stronger by the day.'
'Hi, erm, it's me,
'just wanted to say thanks for last night.
'I just want to say I've been thinking about you.
'I can't tell you how much you mean to me.
'Did I thank you for last night? I can't wait to be with you.
'I've never felt this way about anyone.
'Hi, big boy, it's me. I really need to speak to you.
'Oh, my God, I'm going crazy. I miss you so much.
'Bye, love you.
'..That'd be nice, thank you.
'Mwah!
'Give me a call!
'I've decided that this is our song.
'I'm going to turn it up.'
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Mate, bring the Bentley. Get me out of this fucking shithole.
Would you sign my tits, Mr Mouse?
Is that you, Robbie?